How hard is the transition from 1-2 children? It may depend on your kids…and you.

The decision to have more than one child is complex. The timing, finances, change in family dynamics, and the list goes on. Is the transition from one to two kids scaring you from having another? Are you unsure about what that transition could look like? Are you discouraged by how hard the transition with two children could be?

The truth is, no one can tell you how your personal transition to parenting two children will go. Whether it be a breeze, or more challenging than you expected. There are ways to prepare and set yourself (and your family) up for success as you welcome a fourth member to the family.

Our Story - Adding a second child after a pandemic baby.

Having a child unexpectedly during a pandemic (the child was planned, the pandemic was not…) threw my husband and I for a loop as first time parents. We appreciated all the nesting time as we adjusted to having a newborn, however the lack of support network shook me. I was drowning in sleep deprivation, an unkept house, and lack of community.

I would classify our first born as a challenge - ate frequently, even at night, slept no longer than 2-3 hours at most for the first 3 months, and needed constant contact being held (babywearing was my savior.) He was crawling at 7 months, walking at 9, running at 10, climbing before his first birthday, and always full of energy. Contact naps were frequent, and his emotions always intense.

After wanting three or more children all my life, I was suddenly content with just having one. I could not imagine caring for another child, like I did with our first born, with a toddler. It seemed impossible. The toll one child took on my mental health and my relationship with my husband, made adding another child to our family seem selfish - and a bad idea.

But we tried for another anyways. And we lost that pregnancy. [Read about that here.] I think it was nature’s way of letting us know we weren’t ready.

So I went to therapy (have been going since 4 months postpartum with our first born), we tried for a year for another baby, and we welcomed the fourth member of our family earthside in Spring 2023. Overall the transition with a three year old and newborn has been fairly smooth, and I’m glad to say, enjoyable.

Getting to know your children’s temperaments - and your own.

I am a firm believer this is the top indicator of how your transition from one to two children will go.

Temperament - a person’s nature, specifically as it affects their behavior.

Your children, yourself, and your partner may not have the same temperaments. Our individual temperaments will dictate how we respond in any given situation, and how our needs are expressed. The better you can understand the individual temperaments of your family can help set expectations around the transition from one to two children.

How that looks like in our family:
First Born: Highly active, easily distractable, persistent, intense emotions, mildly sensitive, overall in a good mood most of the time.
Second Born (so far): Highly active, hard to distract, calm & mellow, predictable newborn cues, and overall cheerful.
Myself: Lower activity, easily distractable, persistent, mood swings, very sensitive to smells, sounds and changes in environment.

Since we didn’t know what kind of temperament our second born would have, we planned as though they could be as challenging as our first born. My husband and I discussed:

• How my husband would begin supporting our first born’s high activity needs.

• Ensuring our first born had dedicated one-on-one time with each parent.

• Maintaining routines for our first born, including care outside the home with grandparents.

• Setting up safe sleeping arrangements for the entire family.

Our second born has a completely different (calm) temperament that our first (no surprise there!) so all of our planning has allowed us to easily transition into new routines with our newborn, with little to no troubleshooting.

I’ve also made a conscious effort to reduce noise and clutter in the house, be firm in boundary setting, and getting outside with the kids as a way to nurture my temperament and keep my nervous system regulated.

Setting yourself up for success ie. less stress.

Tuning into your family’s temperament allows you to better manage stress. Here are my top 10 stress-inducing pain points about the 1-2 kid transition, along with my tips on how to navigate them:

1. EXPECTATIONS. Check them, and keep checking them. And when the day goes off the rails, it will be OK. Tomorrow is another day, and try again.

   TIP: Deep breathing is a life-saver in triggering moments, so is your favorite coffee or baked good.

2. There will be crying and tantrums. Based on your temperament, how would that affect you?
   TIP: Nosie reducing ear buds will be your best friend. Also, tantrums are a toddler’s way of regulating - it sucks, but also developmentally age appropriate.

3. Parenting doesn’t stop at night. Prepare for some sleepless nights in those first couple weeks as everyone transitions to new sleeping arrangements.
   Tip: See point #1. Give the family some grace. Take turns resting while the kid(s) nap. This won’t be the case forever.

4. Your children’s needs have now doubled. If you’re a Stay-at-Home-Parent, prioritizing needs will have to happen and one child may be upset.
   TIP: Don’t forget to prioritize YOUR needs if they’re the ones that need to be met first. Also, communicating to your first-born about how you're prioritizing needs can help them understand why they may need to wait. How you communicate to them will also depend on everyone’s temperaments.

5. Double the kids - double the STUFF. But not necessarily.
   TIP: Assess what you need as you go. Always going out with both kids together? One diaper bag. Dividing and conquering where each parent has a kiddo? Two diaper bags. Everyone’s had hand me downs - wait and assess what your new child may need. What you needed with your first, you may not need with your second.

6. Naps. Are. Hard. You’ll need a game plan if you have a toddler still on one nap.
   TIP: If you support your toddler to sleep for their nap, babywearing your newborn keeps your hands free, and your newborn snug as a bug. If your toddler isn’t napping napping anymore, prioritize quiet play like puzzles or drawing while your newborn is napping.

7. Outings can be overwhelming at first. But don’t miss out on making those family memories.
   TIP: Have you and your partner divvy up the tasks for the outing. One parent plans the activity, one parent packs the snacks. One parent packs the car, the other packs the diaper bag(s), one parent plans the activity - you get the idea.

8. Laundry - enough said. Some how laundry doubles with a newborn, from all the spit up and blow-outs, they go through double the clothing.
   TIP: Do laundry when you can. There’s no need for a ‘laundry day’ (if that works for you great!) if you prioritize washing based on need ie. out of toddler pants, do the toddler laundry. I like to do the bulk of the laundry BEFORE the weekend, so I can relax on the weekend, and have enough clean clothes to start the new week. But that’s just what works for me!

9. Keeping everyone fed is a constant marathon. From feeding a newborn (breastfeeding or formula), the 1298403857 snack requests from a toddler, and dinner to boot, it may feel like you’re constantly occupied feeding the family.
   TIP: Stick to those daily rhythms and routines! Offer predictable meals and snacks throughout the day, and ‘close’ the kitchen outside of those times. Meal plan for the week to reduce decision fatigue, but ordering in or outsourcing dinner is a great option too.

10. Your relationship with your partner will change. It doesn’t have to change for the worse though. Both of you will be focused on the needs of the children, and it can be easy to forget the needs of your relationship.
    TIP: Date night, even if it’s with a newborn in tow. Talk about how both of you are feeling about the transition - what is working, what isn’t, and brainstorm (together) what changes you might need to make. Also take the time to show gratitude and affection to one another.

The transition is hard, but don’t make it harder for yourself.

There is no doubt the transition from one to two kids is hard. It doesn’t have to be harder than it needs to be if you’ve taken the time to understand the needs of your family. Tune out the noise of what you think you ‘should be doing’, and prioritize what feels important to your family. Attend to everyone’s needs as best you can, and when you have a frustrating day, remember there’s always tomorrow to try again. This is a season of life, the transition from one to two kids, and like all seasons, they eventually change :)

How a Doula can help.

Doulas understand that this transitional phase can be both joyous and overwhelming, as parents navigate the delicate balance of caring for your newborn while still tending to the needs of your firstborn. Postpartum doulas can offer invaluable support to uplift and guide you through this significant transition.

1. Managing Stress
One of the greatest benefits of hiring a postpartum doula during this transition period is the relief it brings to parental stress. Doulas, through training and hands on experience, recognize and address the unique challenges that arise when welcoming a new baby into your family. By providing emotional support, practical advice, and trusted guidance, doulas alleviate the anxiety associated with this major life shift, allowing you to focus on bonding with your newborn and maintaining a peaceful household.

2. Taking Care of the House
Maintaining a clean and organized home can seem like an insurmountable task when juggling the needs of a newborn and an older child. Postpartum doulas specialize in household management too. They understand the impact a cluttered environment can have on your overall well-being, and are committed to ensuring your home remains a tranquil space, free from unnecessary stress. From light housekeeping to meal preparation, doulas will help ease the burden, allowing you to fully embrace the joys of parenthood.

3. Supporting the Family's Needs as a Whole
Navigating the transition from one to two children requires a delicate balance, not only for parents but for the entire family. Postpartum doulas support the needs of everyone involved. Whether it's engaging with your older child, providing them with extra attention and love, or offering guidance on sibling bonding activities, doulas strive to keep the family unit strong during this period of adjustment. A well-supported family leads to happier parents and happier siblings, fostering a sense of harmony within your home.